We have a pram. It’s a big one, all terrain, and can carry over 20kg. My small son, who is nearly 6, can still fit in it. We have enjoyed countless walks and adventures together in it. Being in nature, exploring the community, having treats and picnics, these pram days have been the best. My heart expands just reflecting on these shared times. For the past 4 years we have used that pram most days. But as he nears his first day of kindergarten, we both know he is too old for a pram, and it is time to let it go. Yet we both struggle to do so as it represents so much. This ugly, second hand, rusty and clunky thing is an object of great love and beauty to us. So, it is painful to let it go. It feels like a letting go of good times past and that phase of our lives together. Of course, these moments are over, and we have inevitably let them go, but giving away the pram brings this sting to the surface and confronts us with the reality that Byron’s baby years are done, and we can’t get them back.
No doubt this pram story is relatable to many as we all must let special and loved things go. Life is a process of loving, living, and letting go. But as the saying goes it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
So how do we manage the pain of witnessing special moments end or dearly cherished things leave us? I think, when emotion is strong and at the forefront of your awareness, we need to acknowledge it, address it, sit with it, nurture it, hold space for it and allow it to be with you as long as it needs. In the process we can write, talk to a friend, move our bodies, soothe our soul by immersing ourselves in nature, sing it out to moving music, or simply cry. There are countless activities we can do when experiencing the pain of loss. There are many tools and ways to cope. We need to experiment with what works for us as individuals. But universal to us all is that we have this pain, we experience this loss, and it is hard.
Self-compassion is not self-love. I don’t really resonate with self-love, but it does sound great and I’m genuinely happy other people benefit from it. For me I’m more committed to living and passionately loving of life. My life as a human means living with pain and suffering. This is something all humans must face. Self-compassion is a skill to cultivate and use during such moments. You use your mindfulness skills to notice when you feel these strong emotions, remind yourself that you are human and so have these experiences, which is something all humans share. Then commit to treating yourself with kindness and careful consideration as you carry this burden and process this load. It is helpful to repeat to yourself ‘this is a moment of pain, we all have this, I will be kind and careful with myself.’
Back to the pram. That wonderful thing that facilitated our journeys and fun times. As much as I wish I could press pause on life, and even rewind back to some of those happy and cute days, I can’t. What I can do is be self-compassionate and grateful for what I do have now. I can be faithful and hopeful that what is to come may be even more wonderful and joyful than those pram days.
These simple self-mastery tools of self-compassion, mindfulness, gratitude, faith, and hope do not magically remove the pains of being human but rather they make it manageable in an adaptive way. That is all we can ever do. Just manage as best as you can with as least harm to yourself and others.
